Acceptance

I think it is time for me to accept that I have lost my best friend. I am not so sure why or what changed. Was it something I did, is it that she found other friends that don't like me, was it a way I offended her, did she feel taken advantage of, am I no fun, or did I not really lose her and she is just busy with life with everyone else. I guess that sounds like I lost her. I am not sure what really happened since May, but yeah. My cell phone is much more silent, the kind of silent we use to joke about when she would leave for a period of time. My talk time with her is near zero. Is it because I have nothing worth talking about? Is it because I only ta I I am no longer on the top of her talking to list, it feels that I am on the "need to know" basis. Am I feeling these things because I need to know what is going on in her life and have control? I don't think that is the case, because it is really hurting my heart~it's brought tears to my eyes over the past few weeks. I know something major just happened in her life and I find out about it by reading her blog. I know she is having issues with another friend of hers and I want to be there for her. It seems as though the door is shut on that. I guess I pushed things today when I tried to put myself in the loop. I ended up sounding like a complete Witch to her. I really wanted to talk to her about it, but I made comments that only made it worse than what it was and the sad thing is I don't think she really cares what I have to say. Not that she needs to care, she is a grown person with a mind of her own. She does not owe me anything, she does not need to answer to me. I just love her as my own and I really don't like where things have gone~at least not knowing why they have gone this way. I know that I haven't been the best friend in encouraging her walk with Jesus, mostly because I have failed on my own walk with Him. I know that I have probably been very self-centered and opinionated in my views that I have shared with her. I know that I have been very opinionated in decisions her family member has made. It feels that our only connection now is the kids and if that were not there, I would never see or hear from her. I miss her. I miss going to her. I miss having a friend that would stay late and hang out with me. I miss all the things that come with a best friend. I just wish I knew what I did, honestly, not the I'm too busy for you answer. Either way, I love her dearly and miss her very much.

Created In God's Image

This thought comes to me tonight because of constant pain from an under the nail sliver.

I remember years ago my step mom and I having a conversation that we thought it was interesting that a sliver can hurt more than being punched in the arm could. We thought that was interesting of God to create us like that. But I just had a thought and maybe I'm wrong; either way we wont find out until we are in heaven and can ask God face to face.

Which do you think hurts God more, a sliver type of sin or gut punch type of sin. Based on my pain experiance I believe the sliver type of sin hurts God more. What would quailfy as a sliver type sin, you know the "small" ones. The ones we dont really count as sin. The ones we do daily. The gossip, the lying, the deceitfulness, the grumpiness, the angerness. I bet these hurt God more than that of murder, stealing, or pure evil.

Lonely

I am going to come right out and say this because the first step to getting over it is admitting it. I have been feeling pretty lonely and full of doubt. I know that this is not where my Savior wants me to be, but I even feel distant from Him. I feel as though no one really can understand where I am coming from, lack of finances, lack of sleep, the ages and stages of my kids all at once, my work schedule, Ryan's work schedule, our lack of together time, my lack of friends and my easyness to be distracted by Facebook, my crazy long todo list, my messy house, my house that needs desperate repairs which leads me back to the first point, lack of finances. All this piles and piles on my stress bucket which leads me to be an angry mom. I am not angry all the time, but I am quicker to anger than before. I know at times I need to look at the positive and see how God has worked so that I can continue to trust Him and not let to thoughts tha Satan has put into my head stay there and be pondered upon. So things that God has blessed us with:
Ryan has a job
I have a job that I love! and is flexable with me
WE have a house
We have 3 very healthy children(in perspective of what we could have.)
We have 2 mostly functioning cars.
We have family in the area
I get to "stay home" most days with the kids
I get to enjoy the gifts that God gave us
Most of the things in our house were given to us
We have running water
I can read God's word to the kids without worrying about being killed

I can look at this list and KNOW all these things, I KNOW and believe what the scriptures say, so why do I find myself feeling the way I do? Why do thoughts of does God really exist? Is there really a heaven? Why does it feel like I am brainwashing my kids to believe these things? What am I missing that lets me allow these thoughts to ponder in my head and not see these things?
I guess that's all i have for now, unanswered questions that are pondering in my head without any direction to go. I try to throw them out of the thought process, but they keep coming back in. These thoughts usually enter when or shortly after I have read Revelation, but that has been awhile. I find myself going through the motions as Matthew West( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLJF9vaIJ_0) would say, but I am not sure how to do this differant. I am not sure how to grow closer to God I guess. I know the answer is to read His Word and spend time in prayer, but I have honestly never felt that when I do. So am I reading wrong, am I praying wrong? I am not sure how to live this life thing to the full.
I guess you could say that "In The Light" by DC Talk could sum up my feelings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcXYOoUBG3Y&feature=related