I am going to come right out and say this because the first step to getting over it is admitting it. I have been feeling pretty lonely and full of doubt. I know that this is not where my Savior wants me to be, but I even feel distant from Him. I feel as though no one really can understand where I am coming from, lack of finances, lack of sleep, the ages and stages of my kids all at once, my work schedule, Ryan's work schedule, our lack of together time, my lack of friends and my easyness to be distracted by Facebook, my crazy long todo list, my messy house, my house that needs desperate repairs which leads me back to the first point, lack of finances. All this piles and piles on my stress bucket which leads me to be an angry mom. I am not angry all the time, but I am quicker to anger than before. I know at times I need to look at the positive and see how God has worked so that I can continue to trust Him and not let to thoughts tha Satan has put into my head stay there and be pondered upon. So things that God has blessed us with:
Ryan has a job
I have a job that I love! and is flexable with me
WE have a house
We have 3 very healthy children(in perspective of what we could have.)
We have 2 mostly functioning cars.
We have family in the area
I get to "stay home" most days with the kids
I get to enjoy the gifts that God gave us
Most of the things in our house were given to us
We have running water
I can read God's word to the kids without worrying about being killed
I can look at this list and KNOW all these things, I KNOW and believe what the scriptures say, so why do I find myself feeling the way I do? Why do thoughts of does God really exist? Is there really a heaven? Why does it feel like I am brainwashing my kids to believe these things? What am I missing that lets me allow these thoughts to ponder in my head and not see these things?
I guess that's all i have for now, unanswered questions that are pondering in my head without any direction to go. I try to throw them out of the thought process, but they keep coming back in. These thoughts usually enter when or shortly after I have read Revelation, but that has been awhile. I find myself going through the motions as Matthew West( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLJF9vaIJ_0) would say, but I am not sure how to do this differant. I am not sure how to grow closer to God I guess. I know the answer is to read His Word and spend time in prayer, but I have honestly never felt that when I do. So am I reading wrong, am I praying wrong? I am not sure how to live this life thing to the full.
I guess you could say that "In The Light" by DC Talk could sum up my feelings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcXYOoUBG3Y&feature=related
I know you know this, I love you to death!!!! You are my best friend, and the big sis I have always wanted, and pretty much the one I look up to. Your always there for me, and you have made such an impact on my life. God has blessed me with you.
ReplyDelete(in no way do I want you to feel bad about me saying this, cause that would make the statement about to be said more true) It kills me to have to read this. But being the "other half of your brain" I kinda know where your coming from. I think a few of those questions you have, I have been secretively struggling with, and not wanting to come out and say it.
I know I have been busy with my life, and I hate that it has cut into my time with you and the kids. You guys mean SOOOOOO much to me. I really hope that my craziness hasn't caused any of these things you feel, cause again I would kill me more.
I also have another confession for you. If I have at all seemed 'distant' I may have, not to just be, but cause I know you have a life, 3 kids, etc to be worried about, and I don't want to be another burden on you. I know I should not feel that way. But yeah. So I tend to feel I have a position in the reason you feel this way.
LOVE YA!!! Praying for you :)